Translating What Is In My Brain

Words are powerful things. They are entities that can change the path of your life. They can have an everlasting imprint on your soul. The choice of words and approach that someone uses when telling you something can impact you forever. All in all, words are a powerful thing. 

They hurt more coming from people closer to you, those who know how to use them like weapons. Words are like a tattoo imprinted from specialists, acting like a permanent reminder of an event stamped in your life. What I have learned in these past six months are that words can be more powerful than a physical limitation your body puts on you. Words have an emotional and mental impact on that you will direct your path and put you in a direction you might never though you would ever land.

Words can also have the power to create overwhelming emotion within you. It is your choice how you react and take in the words that you are given. They can be given to you by friends, family members, doctors or strangers. They can be life-changing and for better or worse. In my life, the better being, “Will you marry me” and “Will you be the godmother of my child”, which is now the beautiful Arianna, are the two groups of words that are on the top of the better life changing events. This is where words have come together to change my life forever. Now on the opposite side, worse being, many too choose from, but I have been working on not focusing on them, specifically each word and letter because I know that I need to forgive. I will never forget, but forgiveness will help me let go and move forward which is what I need to do. I can no longer hold on to this anger and frustration or else I will be stuck in this rut which is no help to anyone.

As I have mentioned before, words are a powerful thing. When you work in online communications, one might say essential. As I am the sole owner and operator, it is me who has does the whole enchilada of the business. I am the one selling and talking about my services and products as well as designing and producing them. Not being able to talk or come up with the right words is a problem – a big problem. A bigger problem that I didn’t realize until I tried to go back to work in September. Working was my life, and still is, but when you are missing essential skills required to do your job and do your job to the best of your ability it makes it tough. It was even tougher on my mental strength not being able to go back to something that I loved. Specifically not being able to go back and pour my heart into, something that I was so passionate about because I couldn’t do it. The words wouldn’t come out. Sometimes I could talk with ease, using the same vocabulary as I did before and then the next day it would be as if a fourth grader had entered my brain and I was missing everything to articulate the skills I possessed. I had lost of confidence in myself and my ability to provide value in my services. I felt hopeless.

Putting together a sentence, even forming a word was and at times still difficult for me. It was forming consonants and vowels to create a word that was daunting. I would attempt to describe an item or even chime in on a conversation and it would come out as baby talk and babble. At times I would be mid-sentence and then blank, not knowing what I was going to say next or how to describe what I was telling someone. Work was was an epic fail. It made me more discouraged and still does. I couldn’t remember how to spell things  and decipher ‘q’s and ‘c’s. Yes, I physically looked much better but in all reality, I was going backwards.  I felt like my brain couldn’t keep up to what was happening around me. All that I have to say is, thank God for spellcheck.

Being a newlywed and business owner talking is something that is kind of helpful. I felt like a failure and less of a person. I couldn’t communicate with people. I would try and describe something, but a block would occur where I couldn’t pick the right word or even have chosen the right one. I know what I was suppose to say. But would get stuck. Ultimately it is easier to stay home than to go outside. To try and have a conversation with someone petrifies me. Knowing that I might not be able to get out the right words when talking to someone. The look at their face of pity and sympathy, then it’s time to move on to another person.

Finding a way to communicate with others was something that I needed to do to move forward with my life. I could type and write, but not form verbal sentences. The frustration builds up inside of me trying to push out a sentence, even as simple as “Can you hold this glass for me”. I want to be able to say something so bad, to tell my husband a loving phrase or what I am thinking and cannot. It’s as if my brain is on overload, all of the wires are crossed.

 I feel less than a person and farther than normal. I don’t know how to explain anything to anyone. I want to be a hermit. I feel like that is the only way to heal myself. That will be the only way to make myself better. I know that I am not okay. Right now words are so powerful. The way someone uses them hurts even more than if I were to be hit by a bat. It’s as if all of the protective walls of strength are broken and my vulnerabilities are bare and at an all time peak. I take everything with more hits and magnitude than ever before. I don’t have a shield so everything hits me with a full magnitude of force. 

Sidney has now learned to decipher my babble and can understand what I am saying. In my head I am talking perfectly normal, but what comes out doesn’t make any sense. I think that in order for me to heal, what I am doing to heal and the steps I am taking to do so, that is all that matters -what makes sense in my head. That helps me and is helping me move forward in this journey, my adventure.

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One Comment Add yours

  1. Mom says:

    Hi Katie
    Your writing is amazing. We are so very proud of your strength and determination. Never stop being who you are.
    Love Mom

    Like

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